Well, hello.

adventures in retail

It's been a while.

The days all blend. Time doesn't fly at all though. The moments have been long, and surreal and intimate. The waiting, the immediacy of experience. The functions of the body coming online - in an infant and in myself.

39-26-37 141 lbs, I bf% with the calipers and I think 16-17 but I'm not sure. I am anxious to receive the wisdom of one Stevie Santangelo.

Nova weighed 13 lbs at her last doc visit but must surely weigh more by now. She sits independently. Most of the time. She wants to grab everything and is anxious to run everywhere.

But you have to learn to crawl before you can walk. So we work on sitting. And creeping.

She eats yams, avocados, strawberries, peaches, yogurt, lentils, broccoli and lemons. And formula and milk.

And she smiles constantly.

Things are in flux in my person as well. I'm within a couple pounds of my weight prepregnancy, but things are a little different, which is to be expected. I lucked out - no stretch marks. And I've never been flat chested, but the huge boobs are new. Not as fun as you'd think they are. For one thing, they leak. They also get uncomfortably full if there is not a baby immediately to hand. Any kind of ballistic activity proves challenging.

I'm looking forward to more Kung Fu in my future. I visited a school last week and it was everything I seek and then some.

I returned to work for about 2 months - and then my lab lost some funding. And I find myself seeking employment again, like so many others.

Just wanted to make some contact - It has been a long time since I have written - preferring to bask in the sensorium, learn new skills, submerge myself in the feel of this new time and place.

Thursday

Long slow twilight, just the baby and me. I shield her little eyes from the barbeque smoke, prod the charcoal. Gueralita sola. Bottle rockets pop and chihuahuas are the ones who really run the show on this block. Ice cream trucks are finally (finally!) silent - a neighboring dj makes a tentative Thursday offering. I put the baby to bed, crack open a beer, pull meat directly from the fire into my mouth, the way God Himself intended. Onions too. Cats are still roaming in the empty lot. All the stomae are open in the garden and the aroma of carne asada is cut throigh with soil and honeysuckle. Pandora cycles through a list of music that was new fifteen years ago. I slap her down when she brings me hootie and the blowfish, and we achieve a new level of understanding. The fire will need to be extinguished, lest the canyon burn afresh, and all the squirrels and bounce castles and mariachi with it. Can i bring you here, to this twilight? Will the words i pull together act as a preservative to anyone but myself? This fleeting assembly of moments, the private memories that i havent even shared brought about by the music playing, the way that one bright crescent planet hangs there; can i give any of this to you, truly? After Nova is asleep in her little nest, empty gums determinedly working some phantom air nipple, am i still alone if i reach out through the internet and tell you about my steak, my beer, my neighborhood? Does it dilute the solitude? Or simply present it for your appreciation, a dusky purple summer magic trick - solitude shared in the hum of helicopter blades, children laughing far away, cool air, hot grill. The promise of the workday tomorrow. The soft cheeks of the slumbering infant upstairs. Matter, energy, considering itself for a moment. I have an evening, its tones and textures represented as a series of impulses in a vast wet network of thrumming cells. I make some letters and now your cells are thrumming too and you can maybe even see the sillhouette of the hills against the darkening sky, the observatory, the stadium, hear the freeway. But even if we were sitting next to each other, eating the same tacos and listening to the same Tom Petty would we be any less alone? Would we be any less identical? When the universe is so freaking vast how can we even think of ourselves as separate anyway?

Things I Want My Daughter to Know (continued):

16. Be careful what you wish for.

HELLO!

Shocker of the Day: Accidentally turning breast pump ALL THE WAY ON instead of ALL THE WAY OFF.

Sweet, loving Jesus did that ever get my attention.

Testing, testing -

I have a Blogger App for the iPhone. We shall see how this works!

I'm loving my life right now. Its true, im missing BIL. But last night was great fun. And today is delightful.

The communty and living situation i currently enjoy are unique and modern and hard to explain. Rather than belabor the particulars, it is sufficient to say that i am loving every second of it. Meets and exceeds expectations!

Here we are back onstage at Big Art Labs, with Sylvie and new friends from Vau de Vire...

Things I Want My Daughter to Know (continued):

15. You are the only one responsible for your feelings. People say and do hurtful things all the time, but allowing yourself to be hurt by them is a choice that you make.

Things I Want My Daughter to Know (a list in progress):

1. Calculus. Single variable fine - but you should be able to integrate a few simple functions, even if you decide you want to be a painter or a diplomat or whatever.

2. People are going to judge you for your appearances. You don't have to care, but I would be a bad mother if I allowed you to believe otherwise. Plan accordingly.

2a. Get in the habit of hanging and folding your clothes. And learn to iron.

3. Good posture will improve even the crappiest outlook. Stand tall and breathe from your core.

4. You don't have to like everyone you meet, so don't take it personally if not everyone you meet likes you.

5. If you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing. Words spoken are like any other commodity - the more of them there are, the less value they have. Tis better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. Those who know don't talk, those who talk don't know... Etc etc ad infinitum.

5a. Never put anything in writing that you wouldn't want read aloud to you by a judge.

6. Exercise is your friend.

7. Humor opens more doors than money.

8. If somebody in a big hurry asks you to "hold this for me really quickly," always say no. Even if it's somebody you know really well.

8a. Address all police officers as "Sir" or "Ma'am" and politely decline to discuss anything with them (the weather, your favorite color, anything) without an attorney present.

9. "Please" and "Thank You" are extremely useful phrases. Incorporate them into your vocabulary early and often!

10. Having a goal makes everything easier. Unfortunately, I can offer no insight into how to obtain a goal - for me it has always been an automatic process. I hope you are so blessed. This is not the case for everyone.

11. Avoid like the plague people who won't take "No" for an answer (unless they are trying to hire you).

12. You may someday be brilliant and beautiful and talented! But even if you are, nobody owes you anything. Humility and hard work are necessary for durable success.

12a. You are your own best advocate. Learn to value your skills accurately, accept praise gracefully, seek promotion actively, and undertake challenges equal to your ambition.

12b. Occasionally a teacher, peer or employer will totally gut what you thought was the accurate valuation of your skill. Accept this gracefully too. Failure is opportunity.

13. Real food doesn't have cartoons on the packaging. In fact, the less packaging the better.

14. Little girl, you are going to grow up to be a woman. There are people out there who will hold keys or purse-strings who will expect you to be obliging, and nice, and easy to manipulate. Who will assume that you are not-so-capable, or attempt to intimidate you. Recognize that this is a weakness of theirs, not of yours - don't let it concern you. Instead, give the bastards enough rope to hang themselves (see 12a).